The Gastronomnom

I feel like I’ve just woken from a dream.

A strange dream in a dark candyland populated by well dressed smiling monkeys, impossible chandeliers and clouds of liquid nitrogen.

And this man.

Marcel from Top Chef.

The words “Savor Life Slowly” repeating faintly but insistently in my mind.

I’ve emerged from the world of José Andrés, where food is art, art is ironic, and irony is for sale.

Parts of the meal are coming back to me. I remember flashes of brilliance, whimsy and contradiction. Textures and tastes that deceived and surprised. Dishes that reminded me of a history not my own.

But ultimately the experience of a meal that was greater than the sum of its parts.

Let me try to paint a picture.

Nitro Caipirinha. Rising out of a fog of liquid nitrogen like a caipirinha in slushee form. Prepared tableside, liquid nitrogen is stirred into the caipirinha until it reaches its desired consistency. That being the consistency of delicious.

Papas Canarias. Salty wrinkled potatoes with a mojo verde. If baked potatoes are good, baked baby potatoes are better.

Mussels, canned with olive oil, vinegar and pimenton. The salt of the sea meets the sweetness of tomato broth meets the acid of vinegar.

White asparagus, yogurt and black olives. A tiny forest of asparagus trunks rising from a can. Desolate. Resolute.

Embutidos platter. Chorizo, lomo and salchichon. Jamon Serrano Fermin. Dry cured ham, sliced thin. Folded onto a slice of Catalan style toasted bread, lathered with a tomato salsa and manchego. A taste of Spain.

Endive, goat cheese, oranges and almonds. A perfect bite to cleanse the palate. The crunch of the endive, the soothing goat cheese and the brightness of orange.

“The ultimate Spanish tapa!” Ensaladilla rusa. Potatoes, carrots, mayo, tuna belly. If José Andrés wants to call this the ultimate Spanish tapa, who am I to argue?

Brussels sprouts, lemon purée, apricots, grapes, lemon air. The tart preparation belies the bitterness of the brussels sprouts. Surprisingly light.

Bunuelos. Codfish fritters with a honey alioli. Battered fish, in any language, tastes good.

Sea scallops with a romesco sauce. Sweet. Perfectly caramelized. Simple and flavorful.

Japanese taco. Grilled eel, shiso, cucumber, wasabi, chicharron. Thinly sliced cucumber replaces the tortilla. José Andrés does Japanese masquerading as Mexican.

Organized Caesar. Caesar rolls topped alternately with a quail egg yolk and parmesan. You say organized. I say deconstructed. Everyone fights over the quail egg.

Watermelon tomato skewers, Pedro Ximénez reduction and lemon dressing. A visual treat. It tastes like it looks. Watermelon and tomato.

Boneless chicken wings with a green olive purée. Andrés does fried chicken. The Colonel should take note.

Butifarra Senator Moynihan. Catalan pork sausage, white beans and mushrooms. Frank and beans Spanish style, if you will.

Beef hangar steak, piquillo pepper confit. Seared medium rare. Juicy and pink.

“Philly cheesesteak”. Air bread, cheddar, Wagyu beef. Essentially thinly sliced Wagyu over a puffed bread with cheese. Don’t ask for cheese whiz.

At this point, I’m stirred from my slumber and lead into some half-dream room. Glass bells cover perfect groups of candy, like some laboratory of sugar. The Alchemists tried to turn lead into gold. Here the ingredients are sugar, flour, eggs and cream. The results are just as alluring and desired as the precious metal.

Sweet Little Snacks.

Creamy Chocolate Heart. Coffee and cardamom. Dense. Rich. Chocolatey. Good.

Greek Yogurt Panna Cotta. Apricots and muscat gelatin. Dig down. Scoop up. Taste. Repeat.

Ice cream and sorbet. Orange, peach, strawberry. Refreshing.

Traditional Spanish flan. Vanilla and fruit. A classic to end the meal.

And with that, the dream gives way to waking.

Save for a final image. A beautiful girl resting her head on a concrete pillar. “Soft Like Silk”.

I wonder if she shared the same dream.

Here’s an idea for the next season of Kitchen Nightmares.

Perhaps Gordon Ramsay can come in and fix his ex restaurant.

To be fair, I never ate at Gordon Ramsay at The London while it was still under his ownership but I had heard very good things. Good enough for Michelin to give it one star.

All I can say is the new management must be relieved Michelin isn’t publishing a 2010 Los Angeles guide as I’d be surprised if they held on to that star.

There were some positives. The space is stunning. Opulent and romantic and luxurious. All leather and gold and chandeliers and soft muted tones. The service is still top notch, befitting its Michelin status. And, of course, the company of good friends.

But the food. The food was nothing short of disappointing.

Starting with the pan roasted scallops with caper raisin purée, cauliflower purée and cauliflower beignets, the scallops were, frankly, tasteless. Okay, maybe not tasteless but lacking the sweetness and flavor you would expect of a top quality scallop. These were honestly no better than the frozen scallops you’ll find at Trader Joes, which for frozen scallops are pretty good but, hey, I don’t see TJs proudly displaying their Michelin plaque. The caper raisin purée, for me, was incongruous. The saltiness of the caper and the sweetness of the raisin just didn’t harmonize and it didn’t do much to elevate the scallop itself. The cauliflower “beignets” were really just small pieces of fried cauliflower. Not exactly what I think of as a beignet. The cauliflower purée was good, however. But really, I was there for the scallop, not the purée.

I followed this with the pork chop with pomme purée and thyme sauce. The pork chop was disappointingly dry and tough. Not inedibly so – some of my dining companions enjoyed theirs – but I’ve had much better pork chops at far lesser establishments. The mashed potatoes were, however, quite good. Creamy and thick. But again, I was there for the protein, not the side.

I finished with the blueberry cheesecake with dulche de leche sauce. The cheesecake was good. Simple, baked and unadorned except for a few stewed blueberries. But the bottom crust of the cheesecake was delicious. Sweet and just dense enough to feel substantial but still flaky. Probably the single best component of the whole meal. But when the pastry crust is the best part of a meal, that can’t be a good thing.

On the plus side, I do have to say that their wine list by the glass was very good, albeit expensive. I had an excellent Santa Barbara viognier and a very reasonable muscat with dessert. But, in total, the alcohol total for the table was more than the total for food.

On our way home, one of my dining companions wanted to stop at In-N-Out. Perhaps if we’d done that to begin with, I’d have saved a couple of hundred dollars.

As Gordon Ramsay himself would say, “I’ve had enough! SHUT IT DOWN!”